Embracing Your Dharma When You’re a People Pleaser

DHARMA

In its simplest definition, dharma in yoga philosophy means “duty”. Dharma is synonymous with your purpose in life, the thing that gets you up in the morning.  It provides life with structure, order, and a sense of responsibility- the things most humans thrive upon.

For some of us our dharma comes in the form of a clear calling- poets, activists, artists, farmers, teachers. But it doesn’t have to. Meeting our everyday obligations to the best of our abilities, participating in society, and holding a job that allows us to do these things can be dharmic.

However, if fulfilling these responsibilities feels life-draining, then it is not dharmic. This is because dharma must serve both you and the greater good. For people pleasers, the ‘you’ part often doesn’t get factored into the equation, or at least not in a life-sustaining way.

Some of us shoulder a great many responsibilities. We feel responsible for our children, our spouses/partners, our parents, our friends, our neighbors, and our pets. Some of us feel responsible for everyone we meet!

We may have been given responsibilities before we were developmentally ready to accept them. We may have been taught we could somehow assume responsibility for other people’s emotions and that it is our duty to do so. That’s where the people-pleasing comes in. A people-pleaser fears that if a person they feel responsible for has a negative emotion and they don’t do something to make it go away that person will reject them.

Ameliorating another person’s negative emotion is not only a thankless task, but an impossible one.

THE ROAD TO DHARMA: KNOWING WHAT IS AND ISN’T OUR RESPONSIBILITY

In realizing our dharma, we ask ourselves, “What is my role in the world?” When the role of our responsibilities feels unbalanced, we need to ask, “Are these really all of my responsibilities?”

If we are caregivers of growing children or vulnerable older adults, then the answer is likely “Yes,” with a caveat. Even this type of responsibility comes with limits. We have the responsibility to be the best caregiver we can be. We need to provide a nurturing environment, a compassionate attitude, and nonjudgmental support to those under our charge. Yet, even then, we cannot assume responsibility for another person’s feelings. People, including the very young and the very old, need to process their own emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly. Taking other people’s emotions on for them, not only places an undue burden on us, it robs them of a human experience and the opportunity to work through it.

Each of us are responsible for our own emotions.   It could be said that it is dharmic to take responsibility for our emotions and to process them so we can avoid offloading this responsibility to someone else.  

WHEN RESPONSIBILITY FEELS LIKE AN UNFAIR BURDEN

Even when we are sure the responsibility is ours, it can feel like too much. This can be especially true when raising small children or caring for an aging parent. This feeling is exacerbated when it seems like we carry a disproportionate share of the burden compared to the other people in our life.

Over time we can grow to resent our responsibilities. Maybe we resent having to work in a paid job all day just to start another round of tasks when we get home. Resentment prevents acceptance.

Sometimes realizing our dharma means having to accept where we are.

We are not required to like the things we accept. We often don’t. Instead, acceptance asks us to let go of the tension and tumult that results when we wish things were different when they cannot be.  

Acceptance frees us from resentment. This allows us to experience joy even during the most mundane tasks. Acceptance allows us to put the ‘you’ part back into the dharmic equation. With resentment out of the picture, we now have space to consider the values underlying our responsibilities. These are the parts within our role that are important to us. It’s the reason we chose the responsibility to begin with.

Ideas like…

No matter how difficult it is at times, it’s important for me to parent in a more loving, supportive way than I was parented.

Although my father wasn’t always there for me, I value treating all people with kindness, especially the vulnerable.

I don’t always enjoy my job, but I appreciate how it provides a way for me to have meaningful experiences with those that I love.

And if it doesn’t feel like we chose the responsibility or when we can’t find the underlying meaning, it may be a sign it is not our dharma.

HOW TO EMBRACE DHARMA

Realizing our dharma requires us to define our purpose in life and to live out that purpose to the best of our abilities. Purpose can be defined in the most extraordinary or the most ordinary of ways.

Purpose can get distorted when we have a history of people-pleasing. It could look like we need to do everything for everyone else, making sure everyone else is happy, while ignoring our own needs. This is not dharma.

Embracing our dharma first means embracing and knowing who we are, what is important to us, and what we define as ‘good’, ‘just’ or ‘moral’. Once we embrace ourselves, we can embrace our dharma by putting into action those things that are most important to us and living them out fully. A dharmic action results in the greater good but it is never self-sacrificial.